Hello Darlings. I hope you have been giving your haters a show.
"the thing worth holding on to would not have let go"
If you know me, you would know that I am constantly reflecting. Reflecting on life, love, family, my dreams, regrets, failures and future. I would spend countless hours recounting moments trying to figure out where I went wrong and why my relationships with others end. And whenever I added 2 + 2 together I came up with -15 lol. I was always in the deficit.
Im too tough!
Im not affectionate enough.
I'm not understanding.
I do not deserve love from other people etc.
Now I know its easy to fall into this mindset of you are not good enough and throw yourself a pity party with balloons and cake but I think I can help.
1) ITS NOT ABOUT YOU.
2) ITS NOT YOU
3) GOD GOT YOU.
1) ITS NOT ABOUT YOU!
I think one of the most important things my ex told me in our failed attempt to build a relationship was "its not about you". It was always said in a jokingly matter but y'all know ya girl overthinks everything (The smallest things stick with me), Take a moment and consider that people act differently for their own reasons. Their behavior is based on their experiences and environment. Our response to situations most times are tailored by our past. we react based on beliefs built by events, people, and situations. Notice all my statements involved just me and no one else. ME, MYSELF, AND I! There are always options in the way you respond. Conscious, subconscious or unconscious its still your choice, so own that.
STORYTIME- i was really into a guy growing up but my trauma really took a toll on the person I was. I became a full SAVAGE. Right guy, wrong me. I could come up with so many reasons and explanations for my behavior and they would be valid too, but truth is I played him. For a long time I thought about how I was damaged, how I needed time, how I couldn't recover, never considering his feelings or experience. He was hurt, he was disappointed, he deserved honesty.
ITS NOT ABOUT YOU all the time. There is an entire universe. Multicultural, Social, Political issues going on that you have never heard of. Consider someone else for once. Remember the blog where I talked about someone bringing me water? I saw that someone else considered me and how I would feel. Own your decisions first. Consider the other person right after. Lets revisit something and you can see how we can reframe statements so that we are considering the other person. Don't pay attention to the words or language but look at the intent behind them.
-Im too tough! -----> This person may need/want vulnerability, not a hard shell.
-Im not affectionate enough.-----> They want me to be affectionate.
-I'm not understanding.-----> How can I understand where they're coming from?
-I do not deserve love from other people etc.---->This person wants to love me? In what ways are they trying to show that? And in what ways am I rejecting that love (Mentally,physically,emotionally)?
2) ITS NOT YOU!
Yes I said it. Scream it in their faces! Let them know. It not you its them. I am a sucker for 2nd chances. No bone in my body can reject people. I innately remove blame from everyone else as a means to be accepted. I mean I would KNOW that I have no interest in someone and wait for them to give me the boot instead of just leaving cause I do not want to hurt their feelings. I was speaking with a girlfriend of mine about of men of course lol and we discussed this same habit I just mentioned. She started saying that sometimes she thinks that maybe she has commitment issues. In my usual fashion I cut her off right there to finish her sentence. I said to her "You know I used to think that too. Maybe I have commitment issues, maybe its my trauma, maybe I'm too guarded", I quickly let her know the maybe "He's JUST A JERK!". Its totally possible that you can be the problem and have setbacks but please baby leave some grace for yourself and understand that MAYBE IT IS NOT YOU! Maybe that person you're trying to date is really trash, maybe your family is actually toxic, maybe you do need to find a better church!
Experience has taught me that forgiveness is a hard gift to give when you charge your abuser as innocent and yourself as guilty. If you never give people their baggage they can not check out. There are so many people that have done us wrong and we illspeak them, despise them and look at them differently but DEEP DEEP DEEP DEEP DEEP DEEP DOWN we think its partly our fault. Im here to tell you its not. They've done the crime, allow THEM to do the time so you can move on. do not imprison yourself for there mistake. I Nodia Sherene Samuels find you the defendant NOT GUILTY!.
Now that the person has been rightly charged you can clearly decide on punishment or forgiveness. And whatever you decide is your choice. They forfeited their opinion on the outcome of the situation the moment they did you dirty. That wasn't you, that was them.
3) GOD GOT YOU
Now we are at my least favorite part, when you're actually wrong. DEAD WRONG! I mean you really ain't had no right to do what you did and you played somebody or did them dirty knowing good and well you was doing them dirty! There are few moments that I can recount of intentionally doing something to someone because I'm amazing lol and also my constant need for the people I like to like me. However I can think of one thing, kind of general but I think I can make it work for this preach I'm about to preach. The people I liked I would NEVA intentionally hurt, but for the ones I didn't like or simply didn't acknowledge I can say I was intentionally cold. For example, if I would go out with a group, I am a pretty quick judge of character so I've already scanned the people I like ,vibe with, tolerating and just not checking for. Those folks I'm not checking for get a very cold side of me. I do not make eye contact, I act uninterested constantly placing my attention on the people I desire, I will not laugh at your jokes, I will nitpick everything you do and kill you with sarcasm(the rude kind). Now I found out this is technically a form of bullying. Neglecting and isolation is literally a form of bullying and it has some serious consequences and detrimental effects on the victims. Now I had no idea how bad it was but I did know it hurt people and I did not stop. Because of my constant reflection and I am highly sensitive side underneath all this sass and sarcasm, I began to feel horrible. There were some people who never care to hang out with me again and there were those that gave me a second chance.
When I say God got you I mean it both ways, like if you do something horrid to another person God will HANDLE you and I also mean if you do something terrible God is willing to help you out. All of it is dependent on you. I lost a lot of opportunities to meet great people cause of this habit. I could blame it on my anxiety which is a real thing but it was my choice on how I behaved. I own my choice and I am open to God's grace to not only forgive me but renew me. The wrong can activate God's petty but your will can unlock his mercy.
All in All this advice would be scarcely used, cause if you're anything like me you are hardly ever wrong lol.
Until next time my loves<3