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Healing (Psalms 30:2)


All those times when your touch reminded me of my stolen innocence i grinned and beared it, Thats love. All those times you kissed me and i tasted his bitter mouth, Thats love When you would grab my waist and i would see his uncut nails and rough hands When you would breathe on my neck and i would smell the alcohol on his breath The way your love reminded me of his torture And yet still... When you kiss my inner thigh i can still feel the sting of the scar he left between my legs.

Lets Begin...

At 18 years old i lost my virginity at the cold hands of rape. i wrote that poem up there 3 years later an even now sharing it with you it still ignites tears in my eyes. I struggled all day thinking if i would really write this post and if i would really share this truth. after this abuse i began to be severely depressed i cut all ties from the world and only communicated with few close friends. i began to wear only baggy clothes and avoided showing my figure. i started flunking in school and sitting in class replaying the episode over and over and over again. i was disgusted with myself i couldnt look in the mirror, i couldnt enjoy worship, i couldnt love myself at all. i remember one day after driving home from school, i got out the car and started crossing the street and without a second thought i sat down, layed on the hard concrete street and waited for the cars to come. i wanted to die but i was a coward not brave enough to slit my wrist or swallow any pills so i took the long route of self destruction. i started drinking and partying and smoking because believe it or not, it made me happy, temporarily. i wore clothes that would make a prostitute blush and felt no shame about it. i used the attention of men to keep me going and ran into a guy named J(i wont mention his name). he was my choice of poison and i'd drink him up ever so often when i felt pain. but not to long later J was the source of my pain. we were laying on the bed one night and he said "who's the boss?" i playfully answered "not you!" and at that very moment air started escaping from my lungs, J's hands were around my throat showing me who was boss i remember feeling weak and asking God to get me out. J's grip released and every fiber in my body wanted to run and scream for help but i didnt, i layed there and i kissed him and we chatted and finally he left. of course i decided i had to leave but for months i found myself yearning to be with him, feeling a need to be with him, i guess i wanted someone as screwed up as me. that night though, ironically the near death brought me back to life, its something about feeling like youre on your last that makes you want to live and its there i found my will. i begged God that night to restore me and to throw that period of my life into the sea of forgetfulness and he did. my past still haunts me, hence the poem. every touch, every kiss, reminds me of the hurt but the hurt and the pain lets me know i survived, it serves as a memorial of my strength and is my personal battle scar it reminds me that i am a warrior, a conqueror, a fighter and that i made it. our ghosts may haunt us but at the end of the day thats all they are just ghosts, things that have already died and now only remain a figment of our imagination. to every SURVIVOR not victim of abuse, you are a warrior, wear your battle scars proudly, you dont have to necessarily blog it but dont hide your damage. there are people who have been abused and have sadly ended their lives but you are here, a little banged up but so strong that you found a reason to live when there was none at all. so dont hide dammit! rip the band-aid off! medical science says that scars heal better when left open to breathe anyways right, let your scars breathe. Let your shit stink, because it wont last forever. Healing Comes.

Let the sun shine in on your soul close the windows of your mind and open the doors of your heart you are invincible your brown eyes are the fire of the earth soar like an eagle live as unconcerned as a babe hands folded mantis like always steadfast in prayer and run as fast as you can and smash into YOURSELF

Until Next Time<3...


#change #anxiety

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